|Oct. 23rd, 2008 @ 11:23 pm (no subject)|
Pure ~~ Superchick
i'm not sure if anyone's around, but..thought i'd post anyway, i really need some help. :(
i think i just want some other's thoughts on it, some grown-up's opinions? because my parents sure can't help me here....
i was raised by jehovah's witnesses, i won't recount my leaving story, but i've been very anti-christian for about 6 years because of their whole..screwed up...religion/cult/whatever you want to call it.
now i'm 21 and....i'm not sure exactly what i believe anymore. i believe some parts of christianity, and then i have my personal beliefs, what my roommate calls my "hippie stuff" haha, like ...nature and fairies and using herbs and crystals...and talking alot about energies and THE UNIVERSE hahahaha, uhm...but yeah..i've repressed any of my beliefs that leaned toward christianity, i want to look into them again, but it feels weird. even if it's something i believe i feel awkward, or like an impostor, or outsider, like i shouldn't be saying words like 'god' or 'angel' or like...well i wrote down this quote in my diary recently
"I know I'm medicating
I know you've been praying
I know that God is waiting
Something tells me he can't save me"
-'Veins' by Nikki Sixx
like i feel like an outsider
or like if there is a god i don't deserve to ever know him/her/it because..while i've always been a very spiritual person, anytime my beliefs started to seem a little too...christian-ish i'd get all freaked out, so i've always felt like something was missing but have been too afraid to fix it. and i've also felt like i shouldn't be allowed to fix it and fill this void because i'm bad and don't deserve to be happy or spiritually fulfilled, like god wouldn't want me anyway.
have any of you left "the truth"(LULZ) and gone on to find faith in other christian religions, or anything similar to that?
i know i could never be like some super devout christian and go to church and stuff, since my beliefs are more like..a...a fusion of everything hahahaha, and also i doubt any church would accept me (i'm a smoker, drinker, lesbian, punk rocker and recreational drug user...XD) but...i just...i don't know
i want to know if someone else has been able to embrace their faith again without it feeling wrong and awkward because this "Jehovah" hates us all now. :/
i hope i'm not talking in nonsense or circles. i'm just really confused and stuff, and i always feel really dumb asking for help on this subject.:(